Sometimes something happens, and you are faced with challenges. Either you up a level or you stick the course. I tend to go for climbing the ladder while trying not to tip it over. But I am between a rock and a hard place right now, and it feels like everything I am hangs in the balance.

When ever I wan to say 'fuck' these days, I say 'Fffffff' because of Rufus's little unsoiled ears. Considering my last couple of posts, it should come as little surprise to you, that he now says 'aFffffff' quite often. Though HE thinks it's a dog bark I'm doing. So he'll pick up his little toy dog or point to a dog and say 'aFfff' and look at me happily. Or then just starts saying 'aFffff' a lot, right after I've said it.

The result is actually wonderfully therapeutic.

Right now, we have so much lemons we could start a lemonade factory. To say we have hit a couple of walls would be an understatement. (The stomach flue epidemic is in this case the least of our problems...) But it looks like we will be saying goodbye to the dream of building our house, as the estimated amount we thought we would be able to get from the bank, which they stated we could get has now been halved... This is a bit of a mystery to me, that they haven't informed us sooner, than just before we have finalized our drawings and are going to sign the contracts. Now we cannot build the house, as it was just on the limit and perhaps a bit over. The kind of changes we would have to make is another half a year of drawing.... What's the point, if you can't build what you want, or something even close to it. When the market is crap anyway... When everything is going south.....

I say fuck it. If it's not in the plans, then it's not. Time to make new plans.

So, so much for building houses.

So I lied. I would really like to have the time to actually enjoy my family this holiday.

Today when I came home, had dinner with my family, and played with the boy, I felt my heart grow big and warm. I felt the sort of contentment that clichés about family life is made of. You know, that part where everybody smiles and laughs a bit too warmly and lightly for it to feel like it's not a commercial.

Note to Santa: I've got everything I need and want. Thanks!

Not doing so great in the parenting division. Almost forgot to pick him up two days in a row, (luckily didn't actually forget) and today I missed the fact that there was a christmas party at the daycare. Buuuuu!: mom. (but it's mostly a big loss for me, I really wanted to be there)

Note to self: Must learn to read announcements at daycare and check time at end of day.

I had the chance to finally get together with Peppe, who is a neighbor these days. (Have met up with her before, but no more than for a little while) It was a real pleasure to sit and chat with her over some red wine and chocolate, a perfect combo.

Then we lightly touched upon simple and trivial concepts, like life the universe and everything.

There is something very cool about her, like a solid rock, soft and smooth, with nothing to fear but fear itself. Needless to say, I like her.

It doesn't matter how old you get, some times something snags you just in the right place at the wrong time and an old wound you thought you had gotten over is torn right open.

This makes me wonder if we ever really heal? If we ever really forgive? If this is the case, then one should tread very very carefully. Wounded people are desperate and dangerous, they tend to wound back.. A vicious cycle starts.

I'm an idealist. I like to believe that we are all basically good, and that we all strive to do good things, but on my dark days, I see a different truth. I see a need to drag others down with me, to set the world on fire, to not go peacefully. This dark side is against everything I actually believe, it is the worst in me. Because if I give in, how many others do it too on a daily basis? How much wrong is done, because of fear and hurt? And how will we ever even hope of better days and better times, if I cannot conquer my own beasts and heal my own wounds?

Yet today, I do not want to go peacefully.

Today I ended up in an argument in facbook about twilight. I happen to think that Buffy is as bad as Bella about men... This is the point I started at. Which is funny as I like both works. But I got links thrown at me about how bad twilight is as a role model for girls, at which point I suggested it's a bit like video games rot your brains. Which I got another link thrown at me... The end point was a link that said how feminists may think they are feminists but are conditioned by society to like unfeminist things. So basically I was told I am not a feminist....

The worst part is that now I feel like everything I write will have to have the feminist agenda in order for me to say I am a feminist. Which to me, this feels like the ultimate trap. This is becoming a paradox.

The interesting point to me too, is that Twilight was written by a woman, Buffy by a man. Yet Twilight author gets all the feminist hate, even though I think she probably just wrote what she liked. And Whendon was a genius, nothing against him. But why not applaud Meyer for her massive achievement? Even though her main character is not politically correct? Are we not far along enough yet to accept all the versions? And how much longer do we have to make the women strong heroins before it is acceptable to have a weak one every now and then?

P.S. The links thrown at me, most of them were not news to me. Especially not the opinions on Twilight.

For the first time in my life, I decided to not go on a trip at the last minute... I just didn't want to go without the rest of my family.

So I am not in Scotland. I am at home.